Editor’s Note: We’ve long been charmed by the sartorial wit and uniquely esoteric perspective of Madam Tami Knight, whose cartoons have graced our pages since the start. One scotch too many a month or two ago, we thought it would be a good idea to bring Tami to Jackson to report on The Alpinist Film Festival for our readers who are unable to attend. Getting her to actually say something about adventure films in general and the AFF in particular presents its challenges, but stay tuned: Tami will be blogging (or blawging, as she puts it) from now until the dust of the event has settled.
You’ve been warned.
There aren’t enough objective hazards in rock climbing. There should be
more. I vote for genetically enhancing Komodo Dragons (Varanus komodoensis )
so they can survive in cold, mountain climates and then distribute the
animals into popular climbing areas. Rock climbing would become more
exciting as climbers have to create strategies not just to climb but to keep
from being eaten while climbing. I have, however, already drawn this idea
aza cartoon so it’s not an original idea even if it is mine.
There are many other wonderfully inventive and hideously evil ways to
increase objective hazards in climbing.
How about :
Gas pipes with solenoid switch and flame capacity distributed on ice climbs.
Flameups would occur randomly melting ice, creating water streams and
knocking off more big chunks of ice then a whole battalion of French
climbers. Hard ice could in a second dissolve into crystalline mountain
water that has no intention of being climbed other then down at 9.8 m/s”.
Climbers would also have the added bonus of hoping their tailfeathers didn’t
get sizzled in the flames – which could reach up to six feet ( two metres ).
Belayers could be melted out in a confusing tangle of gear and nylon – also
on fire. This would make ice climbing far more creatively bizarre then it
For dry-toolers, the pipes could merely emit poison gas; flames having less
incendiary effect when only a climber is around to barbecue. A variety of
gasses could be used from the silent-but deadly farts gathered on
climber-nights in Calgary pubs to ghastly chlorine reminding hard men of
their great-grandpappies who fought in the trenches of Ypres. Variations
could be considered: hydrogen cyanide might at first remind the dry-tooler
of a nice slice of marzipan. A fine memory of youthful Christmasses. The
almond odour might be pleasing before ol’ dry-tooler there experiences
difficulty in breathing, seizures, unconsciousness, coma and death.